dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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