Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Randomize
