Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
