My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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