Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
