His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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