the condom got lost in my hair
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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