Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
