They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
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