my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
