The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
we're making bets on your personal life
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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