he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Come share oat with me in your robe
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
