So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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