I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i already hear my dad disowning me
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
