Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
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he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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