can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
