Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
