There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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