I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
