I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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