Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
