giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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