she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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