remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
