Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
