We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
