i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
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you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
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Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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