I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
40s are totally the cure
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Randomize
