idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
