Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
