this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
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I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
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I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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