If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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