i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
