my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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