apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
