you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
