I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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