Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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