I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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