they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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