If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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