you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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