my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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