Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
she peed on how many people?
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Found your dick twin last night
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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