I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
