I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
