Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
