Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
