Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
