it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
