I wish I could teleport
Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
