well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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