i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
