I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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