just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
