can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
you didnt know i had herpes?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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