we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I need to calm my uterus...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
